My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with

i need you.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

looking into the mirror, i saw a normal self. but who knows inside it's breaking down. Won't be so weak to let my sadness be seen. I complained yesternight about he not calling and msging me when he's already home and sleeping away despite being clear of me calling his house more than once. Complaining, a way to vent your inner wild thoughts. I know he was pissed at me for that particular haunting reason. On the other hand, i was really really hoping and telling myself please don't let that be the reason, he won't disappoint me and stuff like this. too bad that god create woman to have great instinct upon a storm striking. intuition of a spell of disaster was just too right. Still, i was waiting for a miracle to seeing his msg telling me he was plain tired that's why this and that. but turned out, no. something was boiling inside of him, for a long time from what i should have concluded.

it's alright. we always reach this kinda stage where makes me go pondering our possibility of being a lawful loving husband and wife. i'm saddened to allowing reality slapped on my face so so hard each time I see it clearer. wouldn't want to compare with other couples, 'coz each individual is different. don't wanna let our problems to be too transparent to our friends, so i've decided to keep to myself. somethings revealed might appear bad on him, so i swallowed down my throat. i need someone to takecare of me rest of my life and also me taking care of him. but when i think of him and me 10years down the road, will he be able to tc of me and be sweet to me without any complaints? no, i doubt. everything he has given to me, he remembered so clearly. it's as if i'm being together with him for a reason, and the reason might be anything but true love. what i've done for him, of course he knows and sees it. don't know if he appreciate it not or maybe he didn't even like it, the point is he can easily say if doing these and that for me will make you ... ... then i rather you not do it. so in the end, my effort was all rejected, brutally. yesh, i could choose not to do anything like my gurlfriends. but i chose to, just to make you a happier man after a hard day @work, after your family burden. and i was just a fool to have done so and getting myself so hurt.

i thought of if one day you become a father when we're married, are you able to empathise me as a pregnent wife and not quarrel with me by giving in? i've doubts for that too. i'm scared to live in flunctuating happiness in the future. why is it so hard to love someone. why is it so hard to get someone reciprocate. i chose to love someone instead of being loved. is my choice wrong? i don't know. just so painful inside.

don't wish to contact you. 'coz i'm so saddened by your harsh words. 'coz you've once again disappoint me utterly. perhaps, like u've said i owed you last lifetime for all these tears you've brought into my life. so when can this debt be discharged? interrogated myself. are we suitable are we meant to be are we wasting each other's time are we? you should be hesitating having me this burden other than your family load. give me up if it's too hard on you. 'coz my mouth can't bring those words up. i tried to control my tantrums and be understanding when ya frustrated on the bbq night. thought you would at least appreciate it. even when i'm lost, i messaged you in hope to cheer ya up alittle.

not trying to sound noble in this r/s. i've gave in, so did you, taking turns to. but..are all these worth it.

tired. gonna go out and chill~ nites.

san signs off. 9:29 PM
_________________________________________________________

p r i n c e s s . s a n 3

life's too short to devote time dwelling over irreversible facts.

in my life, I wish upon eternal happiness with all my loved ones.

a bonus will be to see myself at the top of my career in another few years' time.

LIKES

1. Being appreciated by him.
2. Have all his love and attention.
3. Yakking nonstop with all my buds, anywhere anytime.
4. INSANE SHOPPING :)

Peaceful Exits

.ling. .daphne. .monica. .yuying. .shinleei. .anna. .benny. .joyce. .venassa. .amanda. .ruixiang. .givany. .jialin. .weijun. .elaine. .joycee. .jasline. .bro. .ying.

.photos.

The Past

June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
June 2009

CHITCHATTY

To view photos