someone mentioned something that reminds me of my dreadful secondary school days. Something I prayed to wash away. A past that clings me to fear and inferior complexity, I hate all those the most. Days that I've never bring up to a single soul since I was no more a sec school student. Everyone from that school, always hook up those miserable times, which were already at the back of my head. And there goes my day, I'm sunken into depression again. Learning to be strong, it's never easy. But I've learnt to and never wish to be a weakling again in my life. People who caused my nightmare are the ones I wished I'll never meet again. However, it's impossible when singapore is so damn small. Upon seeing them infront of me, walking past, I've to stand even more upright than before and move on. Hate people who deduced a conclusion without reliable source and sentence an innocent to death; and worse, still smirking away thinking their judgement was just. Regrettably, I'm one who had gone through such not worth mentioning past. It was a shadow and also one having no intention to fade within me. I am swallowing every fear of mine, defending with all mights of courage.

Not able to share it with anyone because it has never really been a real past tense to me. It's painful, a pain hardly anyone can understand. If you see a person full of herself weakening to be an inferior freak, you will comprehend light of truth that everything was too much for her to take. But no one knows, only her. 'coz she tried very hard to conceal her pathetic self.

Don't expect anyone to sympathise me, 'coz I don't need any of them. I envy those who have enticing and sweet memories in their sec life, which I'm deprived of. The reason I survived was there's these few peeps who stood by me as my sufferings persisted. I endured and got alive when I finally could say goodbye.

What a day huh~ first free day and this is the feeling to wrap up my day.

dearie, everytime I wished to tell you, my mouth doesn't seem to move. *sobs*

Yes, I'm just weak.too weak to shake away the dominating darkness in me.

HURRAY!
heee..there goes my itp daes.
Now, I'm literally looking back~~

Last paper - UCCD was also over.
Outstanding stuff that could be linked to SP shall be my logbook.
After monday or so, Singapore Poly, my another memory branch.

Karen and I were too happy for words.
We stepped out of Olive's office, telling ourselves we'll remember how it feels to be no more part of Olive!
sound heartless?
not at all :) *evil giggle*

okie, I'm freeee free freeee
but I'm also sick weak sick.
I'm so physically vulnerable nowadays.
I've totally no clue WHY *arGgHHh*
coughing all the way in those vaulable sleeping hours with one nose cruelly blocked and stuffing tissue into it to lose conscious with one breathing nose. Feeling warm inside out. All these are terribly unbearable! :( hee, but still san survived through this physics-war.

Tonight meeting osky.
Tomorrow shall be karen.Brow trimming session after hair spa at Peninsula plaza for 25bucks only! *joyce recommends!* haa..more hair spa sessions with she and peizhen when they are back from phuket! Have ultra fun gurls ^-^ After which, we plan to go Spizza to makan hee.. Karen you better not forget huh!

Now I could only wait for NTU's reply.
Please be mercy! Else gonna enter the social university at pre-mature timing :(

missing my old man.Playing tennis now in school.his back is torturing him, making me worried.Mr.Niceman, you are always one when comes to treating others, be kind to yourself too my dear *muAck*

I'm waiting to go home.
Hanging on to the website project.
Gave our words to our supervisors, we would make sure the website to launch before we depart.
Now, karen is editing the news articles, adding frames to it, as well as a brief descriptive table.

And me gotta send our report for hard binding at causeway point later.

Drained sansan.
sansan is drained.
Looking forward to cuddle my bolster and put my hair down on my comfy bed.
aWwwwwww~~~
sansan pleads..
LET ME HOME.
"NO!"
She heard a loud rejection.
"Finish scanning the mass head for Sunday times and Lian He Zao Bao FIRST!"
oh mannnnnnnnnnnn....

heheee..2 days more
Tormenting days are soon over.
Me and karen shall be beaming with lotsa joys and laughters :) ^-^

Kinda yearn for him..

Last night, for the very very first time I was awakened by a monsterous NIGHTMARE!
karen laughed at me when I told her the frightening dream.
It was mr. lee!! He left me and irregardless of how determined I am, how hard I attempted to persuade him to reconsider, he insisted on his stand. It was something....

**away to scan mass head**

oh, can't recall what I was trying to put across..
Anyways, I woke up at around 6a.m. which means I only managed to catch 1hour wink 'coz it was already 5a.m. when I got into lala land. :( seriously mal-sleep. (instead of malnutrition? keke..)

Karen still has 3articles on hand, waiting for her........

Graduation prom received pathetic response. All along my assumption was business school's gurls should be enthusiastic over this graduating night, putting on gorgeous dress, with professional makeup and hairdo, holding a small little bag loosely in your hand with an elegant pair of heels..Sad to hear that there are 10tables not taken upon the last day of registration.And the price might rise above 70bucks to cover the expenses.If they were to do so, they are practically encouraging more people to have a change of mind about attending this function. *sigh*

3 years of tertiary education.
Ooooo, sansan will be completing it in another 6days (including PH & weekends). After next tuesday, I might not see my school and classmates as often anymore. This saddens me quite abit.And maybe I mean more than that just aBIT huh~
Was talking about this with junie over msn this afternoon. My mood got affected just like that. *pouts*
People who I'm gonna miss BIG TIME..

JUNIE, you're sure the first on my list. Best Bud *muAck*

Euneun, my confidante in year one and still a friend who I trust alot.

Laine, this crazy gurl who I came to know from biz club!

Manda, another siao zharbo of biz club's freshmen orientation committee.. :)

Qi, a gurl you cannot don't miss at all..sweet, never lose her temper and can click with anyone

Lei, this gurl looks deep, haha, but she can be just as crazy as us!

Karen, an indeed patient, thoughtful, sociable, helpful gurl who will do alot for a friend!BUT she said when she's attached, bf shall be b4 friends..hahaa~ loveyou gurl

Here comes my tennis friends!

First on my list, that will be MONY! I love this gurl, don't ask why. =p

JieHao, woah he's one who can make you laugh nonstop and one who you can't stop cursing, keke..great confidante too :)

Alvin, this mousie-looking boyish MAN? a great friend to have, one who I believe will stand up for you when ya in trouble

Giv, this piscean gurl might be another emotional duplicate of me *'coz im older!haha* huggie for you

Joyce, smileY gurl I could never forget..Loves her company anywhere, esp at tennis court! ^-^

Don, brudder brudder! we can't stop suan-ing each other

Nana, looking at her blog updates me more than toking to her!!

Daph, how could I not miss her..one who will be there for her friends

Benny, this friend is really hard to forget lahh huh~ always buy drinks for us..

Ling, one who possesses lotsa design-sense?!

I will miss everyone of them..Just don't forget this sansan here alright or my heart will go cracking..

soonpeow, longing for your lovey-hugs now..

today's paper is an utter disappointment.

Certainly, it dawned upon me:
YOU HAVE TO WORK HARDER.

mr. lee my dearie, yester-night meant so much to me.
Absurb? Not at all.
Zooming into a future belonging to the two of us, that's absolutely enticing.
My earnest words binded myself to you long long ago.
An invisible bond lies between us.
Have faith in me and this blind get-together.
Give the incredible fate a chance to create another blissful couple to walk down the aisle; heart-to-heart, hand-in-hand.

Why am I getting lost?
I could hardly picture what's ahead of me.Everything looks kinda confused?
I do have my dreams in life.
That's to carve an inche for my career, make it big out there.
Be a real successful career woman, that's my all-time aspiration.
Success comes with sacrifices.But am I ready for them?Am I ready to give up what I have in my hands?
Those are things that hold me back now.
I wanna make it big to give my daddy mummy a good life even when they retire.I wanna dote them just like how they always dote me.I wanna them to lead a luxurious life and worry no more.
So conclusion will be to PURSUE it.

Maybe while suffocating in the dirty.despising.outside world, I'll be rewarded with one loving husband called mr.lee and 2 lovely children; 1 boy 1 girl..
:):) (:(:
..........dreaming again..........

*hug junie*
*hug leilei*
*hug qiqi*
peeps, our poly days are coming to a fullstop. Friends go through not only the good times,but also undergo some unpleasant ones. Fate brings us to know each other, treasure this fate. It's priceless. It's precious. *smilEs*

4days.
....
3days
...
2days
..
1day
.
SAN SHALL BE RELEASED!


Stepping out of this office on 30th March at 6pm
OH MY, that's gonna be WONDER-FUL!
*big GRINz*

My dear is very tired now, after playing for so long..
Hmm, should I not meet him today then?
shall see what he's gonna reply...
so wanna see him though :)

tomorrow there's a test.
Not too sure whether I'm prepared for it *oOOops*

too bored in the office, looking for a short timeout.

_._._.MISSING MR. LEE._._._

San's still coughing.

Hmm, but not as bad already *smilEs*

And here I heard coughing from my dear..

*heartpain*

He wouldn't understand what *heartpain* refers to

maybe 'coz when I'm sick he didn't felt the way I am right now.

Waking up early in the morning for tennis when he's still coughing away, when his throat is revolting rebellion..

Hmm, never could I empathise a sick person this much

which is a redundant move I would say.

Why bother when the involved party doesn't even give a damn.

Wanna pour plenty of *heartpain* here before I go to bed..

No intention to talk to anybody so left with this last alternative

that is to BLOG.

Am I childish to worry for an abled adult?

Yes. Definitely you are.

He doesn't need your baseless concern.

And he might find you a big nuisance, so stop it before he does.

if you really believe he likes just the way you are, think again gurl.....

Counting down.

10 days to LEAVE ITP company.

10 days to graduate.

Oh man, san's graduating.Leaving SP to 'dunno-land'.

What's next for me, I'm curious to find out.

Moving to my next phase of life kinda freaks me.

Dread to know I may not get to play tennis with SPTC peeps........

*sulks*

Gona miss all their craps and lameness!!!

PEEPS! Don't forget sansan worrrr..

Interviewed the subcommittee members.

Erwin Giv and I literally scratched our heads to think who to be the next President.

Haha.Have a good laugh~

Just plain funny to select people who I'm not even familiar with!

Anyways, we came to a decision.

FIXED

we're done :)

Spent like almost 3hours in a clubroom that has NO aircon b'coz school wanna save HEFTY payable bills -_-

yeah..as if it's gonna cost them so much just by switching the aircon for we students!!

In the end, we've to pathetically open the windows and door to get proper air circulation.....................

Pure lameNESS. -----_________-----

My MR. LEE didn't bring hp to work.

Saved quite alot of sms today by not msging him.

Hp in his brother's custody, how to msg him since that's the case worr..

Later he looks at my mushy sms, his hair is gonna real STAND

keke..

Paranoid over studying tests that are approaching real real soon..

And i'm not even abit ready.

Gonna take leave on this friday to study.

Last struggle in Poly, san do it!

Gonna miss poly days.........

Already starting to look back~~~

Junie.Qiqi.JiaHao.Karen.HuiPing.Laine.Benny.Giv.Yang.Mony.Ling.Kann.WeiMing.

Some of you in the list was really not expected. *hug*

To say I'm just pure and simple when talk about feelings.
I express every tinge of ME here, bear with it frens :)

Break the news here, my crying has stopped.He put them to an end, he came back for me.With a bouquet of roses.Some might say I'm not firm enough, but feelings are simply beyond what one could ever fully comprehend.I'm still relying on pure instincts, still holding on to this almost extinguished flame.It is glowing stronger now than the days I'm hugging to only my pillow and tears.Now,would have to always expect the least.I know there's alittle change in me somewhereee.Maybe not noticeable but I can sense the contrast, he could too perhaps.Letting me know you like just the way I am, at least it recovered bits of my boldness.

Quoted from Kawen xiao jie:
Our relationship resembles a broken boat.Every now and then, as one of us spotted a leak, we would go all out just not to let the boat sink.
Though it's broken, it's already not in its best condition, as long we could reach our destinated land, both of us shall be saved.By then,the boat is no more a necessity to us.And we'll move on to another phase of our love adventure.
An ideal lala...

People live in ideal to keep our spirit alive.
Everyone is just the same. :)

HuipIng!!wonder will you read this....I'm so excited to look at your new hairstyle!!!kekee..

After much resistance, san rediscover her principles.

The past two days, drowning myself in deepdeepdeep sorrows
even me myself can't pull myself..That's how out of hand it could be..Thing got worse when I have to hide those tears from my dearest daddy and mummy.Sitting in the living room, suddenly thoughts of mi&him drawn tears to my eyes.No choice but to rush back to my room and release my miseries.I was really miserable.Very to a point I've already lost control of it.Kept looking at our photos, looking at the past emails he had sent me, looking at his sms-es, looking at the candy he once gave to pacify me..These things just made me go on indulge in crying.I can't give him up was the only thought in my mind then.I saw those times with him around, they were too heavy to lift away from my brain.Refuse to reveal the breakup news to daddy and mummy was b'coz I gave them so much confidence he's gonna be my only one in life, he's gonna be my husband.Indeed, I was very confident.But, it was only on my part that I've gave too much thought to this r/s.I've put in too much to now having great difficulties to withdraw.Drove myself insane, acting weirdly at home, wetting my pillow sheet day and night was all b'coz I'm always thinking too much. Have to apologise to this someone, you've tolerated my heartfelt 'assumptions' for almost 8months.

No matter how sad I am, I have to wake up one day.No one's encouragement could motivate me to move on, only can pull through with my own determination.On my bed, I laid down.Washing my face with tears again.Selected 'my inbox', opening each sms of his.Felt so loved and in love.But that was all in the past.I slowly deleted them one by one, each one as I pressed 'delete', I cried even louder.Having breathing difficulty..But I know if I continue looking at all those messages every day and night, I can never move on.It was a dream that has dramatically lasted for almost 8months.It was a fairytale that I wished upon to be real.Left 5messages of his in my inbox, those I just can't bring myself to remove.When I'm stronger, I'll write them on a paper and keep it somewhere, till then I will delete them away.I really love this somebody so much.But guess our character is the problem, what he wants and what I need are clashing.Always, I'm escaping to learn the truth.Now, I'm forced to face the music, we're not suitable.Thought we began as friends, somemore good friend, very good friend, we'll live happily ever after.I was wrong.When can I make a right choice?Not only I lost a lover, I've missed out a wonderful friend.Once, he was my best guy friend, one who I trusted alot alot.Now, I've nothing.Never mention it to this someone before, now this someone shall know.You mean so much to me, you were my best friend, the man I loved the most, my everything.To let go this everything, I don't know how long it will take, but I'll try.I promise.

The thing that keeps me going in this r/s was my wishful preparation for the future.I still have alot of things to do for him.I've planned to do so many things..including his birthday celebration i've finish planning for it.Even did research, was real silly of me I know.Don't laugh at me okay, I just want him to be very happie.But to know he was feeling pressurised with me around at times.His friends' company is more comfortable than mine, I'm a big failure gurlfren.How to not let go, wanting him to be happie so badly yet in the end I'm the one causing his unhappiness.Feeling guilty, sorrie~

Maybe I'll still cry every night from now, but just praying for the day to regain my cheerful self.One day..I know I can make it.

This someone, how can I ever forget youuu..
This song 'For the first time', speaks how I feel for you.

feeling terrible.
Wana isolate myself from everybody.
Having my eyes open, nothing is in graspe
the surrounding is acting like a stranger.
wo jue de hao nan shou
wanna break away~
wanna knock myself on the wall
"Can't you be sober??"

All I know I've to complete my projects.
I need to study for my tests.
I need to return back for work on wednesday.
But I'm scared to step out of my comfort zone.
My inspirations abandoned me.

Getting extremely pessimistic as I dazed..
Don't know what i want.
"you don't have dreams in life?"
I do, once.
Now, they seem faraway..

Destined to be alone.

One who dared what love can give and take.

Looking back and smile.
What's remain is one's past to reminisce.

Just wanna pen down something.

I admit defeat.
I salute to hy.
One who shouldn't feel inferior to, beat me completely flat.
You've won.
He's been waiting for you.
With my eixtence, it just proves how much more important you are.
I admit defeat.
Loser leaves the table.
You're one very lucky gurl to have conquer him,
just unfortunately, I'm not as lucky.
Gives my blessing.
I admit defeat.

To once so close one:
Past 7months 2weeks is what I have with you in it.
My 20th birthday was such an impression b'coz of you.
14.02.05 wish was fulfilled b'coz there's you.
Really a blessing to have you spending these 2 occasions with me.
Memories at thailand, christmas, new year, cny and those nights by your side will stay within me.
Still can't forget that night when you were sick after playing at anchorage in the evening.After giving you the chinese medicine, I lay on your lap and rest.Opening my eyes to see that you were looking at me all the while. That was a bliss.
Everynight before I fell asleep by your side, I will look at you.Telling myself to remember how you look at this very moment 'coz I know one day I will lose sight of you.Every that night, I will whisper and say 'please take care when I'm no longer by your side.Pay more attention to your health.Though I can't be there for you physically, I will still ask prayers to bless whatever you're doing to succeed.'
Hope you did enjoyed the times spent in my presence.
Our story ends here dearie.

Left alone.
Have to fight the fear inside myself.
To stand strong on my both feet.

san's life turns over a new page...